the branch will not break,

the branch will not break, the branch will not break.

Tap, Tap

The semester started out pretty well, I thought.

I felt my class homework schedules were tight and challenging and interesting. I liked my batch of students, for the most part. My own creative writing was going to be showcased at different conferences, camps, and collaborations.

Now, I feel like everything is called into question.

My lit class needs a bit of work, and I've already made the changes to my syllabus and homework schedule to reflect more formal writing for my future classes. But, that doesn't really help me now. This is the second time I've gotten to teach lit, and I absolutely love it. I suppose I am still learning, but I've been teaching for 3 years.

I want everything to be perfect.

Always.

I want my classes to run perfectly and my teaching evals to be perfect and my students' work to be perfect. Yet, with some things this semester, I am not feeling so perfect. In fact, I am feeling like a fraud. Like any second now, I am gonna get a tap on the shoulder and someone is gonna say, "we realize you aren't doing your job and you aren't pushing your students hard enough and you aren't pushing yourself hard enough and you are a big, old, fake. So, hand in your keys, lady. You are finished."

Do all teachers feel like this? Like they are gonna get found out any second? I'm always grading and/or lesson planning and/or thinking about ways to make each class more engaging and relevant. But, am I doing that enough?

I should do more.

I want a new semester and a new start and a new committment to my classes.

I feel like things are seconds away from toppling.