Oh, There's No Place Like Home

for the Holidays.


Best Part of Midnight Mass:

Great Aunt Bernie socking my dad in the gut during the Sign of Peace.


Say What?

While rummaging for batteries so we can play Taboo at my G-ma's house:

My mom: Ma, you got any double As?

G-ma: No, but I have hard-boiled eggs.

All of us: Dying laughing.

G-ma: What the hell's your problem? You can make deviled eggs out of them!


Things you only say to your 9 and 12 yr old boy cousins:

"Gross! I don't want your spitty marshmallows on me."

"First Name. Middle Name. Last Name. I don't ever want to hear you say that word again."

"If I get anymore bony knees driven into my back, I will kill you. And you."

"It's a good thing you have an Xbox and a Wii and a PlayStation. How are your reading skills?"

"Toothbrush? Deodorant? What do you think?"

"How many frickin' pops do you need a day? A million?"

"Hey, let's go steal the grownup table's salt."


Please, Will You Play With Me?

While playing Catchphrase with my cousins Tucker and Trevor and my aunt Betsy:

Me to Bets and Trev: Hey, you guys, when it's Tucker's turn, let's guess completely wrong answers.

Tucker: OK, guys, this is something you hit a baseball with! (pantomimes swinging)

Me: A tennis racket!

Betsy: Um, wearing slippers!

Tucker: No! C'mon! OK, I like to do this, and I hit a baseball with it!

Trevor: Ketchup!

Me: Cheez-its!

Betsy: Ramen noodles!

Tucker: (on the verge of an aneurysm) No!! You guys!!

beepbeepbeepbeepbeeeeeeeep!

Me: Oh, Tuck, time's up. You lose, man.

Tucker: You guys are so stupid!

Me: Well, Tuck, you gotta give better clues, man.