This week has been a quiet one. B has been gone since last Thursday. Before that, I was gone for nearly 3 weeks. July has been a bit lonesome. I probably shouldn't have subjected myself to Ricky Nelson's "Lonesome Town" all week, but eh, what are you gonna do? I realized that on Sunday, the only words I said to 4 other adults were "hello" and "peace be with you." From 11 am on, I was silent. I think it's been ok. The dialogue constantly running in my head keeps me company.
In all this silence, I've been thinking about so much lately; mainly, I've been thinking about my family at home and how I want to merge them with this family I've created with Bridget and her immediate family. I have to tell my parents, hell, tell everyone. I have to, have to, have to. I do believe it's evident when I go home how happy I am: nice place to live, a wonderful job, local success as a poet, fantastic friends, a supportive chair and department. I just need to tell them. I want them to know that I'm a catch, damn it, and that I've caught a catch. It's just, how do I say it? Am I ready to see the disappointment/disgust in their faces? Probably not. Then again, what child is? So, just why the hell not just do it? Sometimes I wish I had a family who hated each other, who never talked, and who couldn't care less about each other's lives. A family who didn't spend every holiday or weekend mashed together.
So, ok, clearly, I don't really wish that. I'm always just looking for the easy way out.
2 summers ago, Bridget bought me a silver band at a funky downtown store, and I was always worried about what she thought it meant. I was very adamant about the ring only meaning that I was her "fun, sexy girlfriend" and she got me a "fun, sexy girlfriend ring." The ring is one of the first things I put on each morning and the last thing I take off each night. This beat up, scuffed, scratched, loose band has turned into much more. I'm getting older, more financially secure each month, Iowa is only 30 miles away ... everyone's having babies, and I think I want in on that action, too.
Ugh. And, after all this, I still have a lot to think about. Ugh. Aren't you tired of me thinking things to death? Elvis was right, "a little less conversation, lot more action."
My flight to Colorado leaves tomorrow morning. I'll get to see my girl and get out of head and get into the mountains. I think that will be pretty good.
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2 comments:
do it, girl! I miss you and B. Call me sometime? When you have a chance? I've lost numbers when I recently lost my phone.
Lu...as I have been thinking about your post I remember back to when my brother came out to our family. For a major contingent of the family it was no surprise. I think my parents took it hard and my mom is still dealing with her conflicted emotions about it, but I think the bigger disapointment or the driving factor of their disapointment was more to do with being separated from such a large portion of his life for so long.
Whatever you choose to do, it will work out for the best. Remember, you have to do what is best for you. If there is anything we can do to support you, just let us know.
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